Let's Play CitySim: The Deluxe Anniversary Edition

[Chwoka]

In 1993, Axis Games released a title entitled CitySim. CitySim went on to become the wildly successful franchise that you've all heard of today. Why, next year, they are going to be releasing yet another sequel, which will not be called CitySim 5 as logic would dictate, but instead just CitySim. In honor of both my first real adventure, started two years ago today, don't try to read it all the images are broken, and in honor of Axis' rebooting of the franchise, I've decided to revisit the first time they revisited the first game. Wait...



God damn it. Well, it IS a leap year.

CitySim: Deluxe is a one-year anniversary edition of the game that comes with updated graphics, a larger map, and more buildings. Let's take a look at our new old mayor! He finally got his face certificate!



Oh, oh Jesus. That's horrendous. That won't work. I have just the thing though...



Perfect.










When we last left off, Carle Sole had just taken back his rightful throne as mayor of Warmsburg and its neighbor Buttsville in the year 1901. But it was not to last. He put on a charade war between his two puppet states to drive the economy and somehow got caught up into his own fake war. By December 1901, each side was threatening the other with nuclear weapons after we discovered that what we thought was oil when we started mining was actually uranium. The complex diplomatic relations between Warmsburg (Carle Sole) and Buttsville (Carle Sole) were seemingly impossible to resolve.

By January 1902, Alaska was uninhabitable. This font makes delivering bad news so much easier!

Disgraced from office, Carle Sole retreated through the time warp back home to the year 2010 and gave up mayoring and, indeed, being at all useful to society. In less words, Carle Sole became a bum, which can actually be considered a step up from just being the bumhole, like he was previously. (His initial plan was to be a Welfare Queen, until he learned that that didn't actually exist.) He looked like this:



But Carle learned nothing from his harrowing tale of negative class mobility. He began to feel the irresistable burning itch that could only be scratched by raising a city from cradle to grave. So he called his former advisors (minus Lem Masterson, who quit in disgust and was replaced by a fish) to a completely deserted and unclaimed location that he would mold into a city. Transportation was not provided. In which climate was this location?

• Tropical
• Forest
• Tundra 100-Year-Old Nuclear Wasteland That's Also Really Really Cold
• Desert
• Grassland
• Marine????

[MrGuy]

Tropical Desert!

[Anomaly]

Marine.

[Neopie]

Tropical island with secret marine neighbors.

[Solaris]

MARIIIIIIIIIIIIIINES

[ProfessorLizzard]

Mariiiine

[Gimeurcookie]

Tropical island with secret marine neighbors.

^^^

[Sparrowsmith]

Underwater tropical forest

[Mibbs]

Underwater tropical forest

i like this idea lots

[Mibbs]

i like this idea lots

wow thats the worst idea i've ever heard of it should be in a jungle by some ancient haunted ruins

[Dalmationer]

Marine in space.

Space-marine.

[Kíeros]

> Frozen Nuclear Wasteland.

[Chwoka]

Dear Diary,

Another day, another dollar. Today I found a dollar. It was all wet on its paper, because it was floating in the ocean. Not like you, diary. I'll keep you nice and dry, don't worry. Still, I feel like perhaps me and my dollar are kindred spirits. That dollar has been floating out here as long, maybe twice as long as me. And sometimes I catch George Washington with that look. Undressing me with his eyes. Then he blushes and looks away and stammers about how he wasn't looking at me, there was a seagull behind me he was undressing with his eyes, not me. Then I turn around and there's no seagull. He says it flew behind a cloud. There are no clouds out today. That means smooth sailing.

Carle 2, you know, the fish, floundered out of his box again. Not like you. You've never been and never will be in the water. I had to go hillbilly handfishin' again and he bit me! I would spank him, but I don't know where a fish's butt is. I don't want to know where a fish's butt is.

Oh, I think I saw shore today. The GPS says I'm almost to the coordinates that Carle 1 gave me, but I don't trust it. Everything is lying today! I threw the GPS into the water and Carle 2 floundered out of his box after it. And then I found the dollar. I've been trying out postmodernism recently, what do you think Diary?

What could Carle 1 possibly be planning?! I think I can see him from here. He's living in a box, just like Carle 2! Should I put on my pants on now? They're still drying from the hillbilly handfishing, unlike you, diary, but I think George Thorogood is taking looks at my calves when I'm turned around. This dollar is more trouble than it's worth!

Remember how I said everything is lying today? I'm going to use you to paddle into shore, Diary. I lied. I lied, right to your dumb, papery face. It's a postmodern twist! Postmodern twist #2: I don't know what postmodernism is.

This is what the city looks like so far. It is far, far bigger than the old map size and there is no way we're filling it all.

Gentlemen,

I am NOT a man and I am NOT gentle.

Then why did you think I was talking to you? Shut your dyed-hair mouth for once, Cassandra. Gentlemen, I bet you're wondering why I brought you all together today.

Is it because we're forming a justice league? Because I've got news for you, Sole. I already am a justice league. A league of one.

No.

Let me take a WILD GUESS. It's because you're tired of being powerless and not having enough money to buy a razor, so you want to fall back on your only marketable skill and drag all of us down with you.

Oh, PLEASE. Like you can afford a razor, Jim.

RAZORS BREAK FAR TOO EASILY.

You talk like you guys are higher up on the totem pole than me! Even if the town doesn't exist any more, I'm still your mayor.

That's not how it works.

That is SO how it works. Ever heard the term "rebel without a pause?" I'm like that, but replace rebel with mayor and pause with cause and cause with city.

So why are we here? I have no wife and no beautiful children waiting for me back home that don't need fed.

The first time I mayored, I was forced into it. This time, I want to mayor on my terms. And my terms are senselessly vengeful and insist that what happened to me must happen to you.

I like it. It's symmetrical, like a snake.

I have slashed your tires and other methods of locomotion.

That's so LOCO! Ha ha ha ha ha!

That's so NOT FUNNY.

That's SO Raven!

So, what do you say we get down to business here?

[orngjce223]

Where'd you get that $50,000?

[Gimeurcookie]

> Build a mayor office. That must come first.

[Neopie]

Create a dock, and a ferris wheel. For tourism.

[MrGuy]

Build a secret cult temple. Cults are a great way to get on the map!

[Menen]

GLORIOUS DAY.

Celebrate your town's birthday with the construction of a Town Hall.

But instead of a boring old Ye' Olde Style building, make it a Huge bad ass sky scraper

Like the Space Needle and that really big building in Dubai had a BABY, and it was raised by space ninja tigers

[Kíeros]

But instead of a boring old Ye' Olde Style building, make it a Huge bad ass sky scraper. Like the Space Needle and that really big building in Dubai had a BABY, and it was raised by space ninja tigers

I agree with this. If only or SPACE NINJA TIGERS.

[Mibbs]

create a fur and sundries post for poachers travelling the plains

[Mibbs]

Build a secret cult temple. Cults are a great way to get on the map!

you dont need to build another temple because there are already some haunted ruins nearby!!

[Loather of Irk]

Build the cheapest coal power plant possible and then surround it with a potpourri of industrial and residential zoning; the pollution should keep out hippies (like Cassandra). Have a road encircling everything, but don't spend anything to upkeep it. We're on a budget here, we can't afford to go around filling potholes willy-nelly!

[piester]

>Rebuild the statue of the middle finger, for old times sake!

[Chwoka]

> Build a mayor office. That must come first.

Create a dock, and a ferris wheel. For tourism.

Build a secret cult temple. Cults are a great way to get on the map!

Alright, listen up shitlords, I've been sitting in a box scheming for two years now. I've got some blueprints.



So first we're going to put up a dock, because what is a marine town without a port?

That actually makes sense.

Next, we need a headquarters. Let's just use those Egyptian pylons again. And we'll carve the freemason's symbol RIGHT over the arch, just to fuck with conspiracy theorists. And right on top of THAT will be a ferris wheel, major attraction for the piergoers and all the funds can be funneled down to the city through a literal funnel. Actually, let's just keep building upwards like that.

Alright, I can see two problems with this plan. Number 1, there's nowhere for taxable citizens to actually live.

NUMBER TWO, WHERE'S THE FUCKING ROADS?!

Oh, Freddy. You think I care about your thoughts. You aren't really an advisor, more of a tool.

Where'd you get that $50,000?

Well, number two you can't ignore.

You underestimate me.

Where did you get all this money?

Don't you just get that for starting a town?

No. No you don't.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

Don't worry, sir! I've got a soggy dollar! A sog dol.

Alright, what else you guys got? This is a shakedown.



Fantastic.

You can still build that pier!



That was the important part.

Build the cheapest coal power plant possible

That is a lot of money.

>Rebuild the statue of the middle finger, for old times sake!

Surround it with a potpourri of industrial and residential zoning; the pollution should keep out hippies (like Cassandra). Have a road encircling everything, but don't spend anything to upkeep it. We're on a budget here, we can't afford to go around filling potholes willy-nelly!

Jim, I've got good news and some bad news. The good news is, my new plan involves roads. The bad news is, I am cutting your funding entirely.

YOU CAN'T CUT BACK ON FUNDING! HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED YOUR LESSON!?

Carle only learns one lesson: never learn.



This is never going to work! Who'd want to live in the middle of nowhere with no electricity or services of any kind, right next to factories that poison the air they breathe and block out the natural beauty around them?



A crazy hermit who just wants to say "fuck off" to society.

[Kíeros]

> Jim: Ignore the plans; build roads everywhere.