Let's Play: X-COM: Enemy Unknown (recruiting redshirts!)

[MindMessiah]

As it turns out, just because my internal organs have suffered enough trauma to destroy the innocence of five children doesn't mean I can't run X-Com. I've been running MSPAliens from my hospital bed, signing reports, giving orders and occasionally flipping the bird at people if I'm feeling up to it. Melody Burst is sick of me bellowing my thoughts into these audio logs, but you know what? Fuck him. Yeah that's right, you want some? Come over here and OW SHIT ARGH okay news flash don't try to roll over whilst there's a hole in your gut.

I never realised how much being out of action sucks. No killing Sectoids, no shooting on the target range - just me and the off-colour patch of wall opposite my bed. God, I hate that patch of wall. It keeps looking at me funny. Moronis and Varkarrus brought me a gift basket though, which was filled with burger buns and sandpaper for whatever reason. I think I'm meant to eat them, but with the current state of my digestive system that would probably kill me.



Anyway, I'll stop ranting about pointless crap now and start ranting about X-Com. First things first, our recent spat of injuries has left us with only seven able troopers reporting for duty, and I use the wold "able" very loosely. We need new recruits, and fast. I ain't too proud to beg, and so I'll probably be putting up a banner ad on the X-Com frontpage and leaving poorly spelt and formatted comments on other websites. That's the right way to recruit soldiers for a near-suicidal mission against unfathomable odds.



The lab boys have been continuing their incredible deductive investigations, successfully concluding that the alien ships are made out of a strong metal. They go onto postulate how, with tools and machinery, we could go on to use this metal for our own devices. Remind me why I pay these guys $60,000 a month? I could replace them with two monkeys and a typewriter and still get the same level of analytical reasoning.



That being said, they did seem to think that they could adapt the alien metals into some sort of armour, which I would've considered to be a good idea if it didn't further cement my theory that the science team have just given up and are now just watching anime all day. I told the scientist who delivered the report to me that it would be cheaper just to hire more redshirts than manufacture suits of armour for everyone, a sentiment which he was unable to respond to.

I will give them some credit, though - their torture of aliens is continuing at a rate that would make the UN Secretary-General pick up an assault rifle and kill us himself. Their latest success was the Sectoid navigator, from which they were able to extract alien mission briefings, technological schematics and about ten tons of alien fear-faeces before it expired.



According to our little grey friend, the aliens are attempting to infiltrate Earth's governments using disguised infiltration units. What the diguises are for, though, I don't know - politics is pretty much the one field where slimy disgusting non-humans can go unnoticed. It's probably a good idea to keep an eye out for this kind of infiltration, though how we're going to notice it is beyond me. As if we needed another reason to distrust the Council.



The alien also gave us the low-down about hyperwaves, which is what the aliens use instead of radar. With this information, we can build a decoder and trace every UFO that ever passes through our airspace, as well as downloading their mission data and ship schematics to further enhance the efficency of our comm-stalking. Uploading a virus to their mothership and bringing their entire civilisation to a halt with just a few simple hacks is still beyond us, however.



Oh, and they figured out that Elerium stuff. It doesn't seem that important. Moving on.



About a week after they put the idea forward, the scientists got back to me with a working prototype of the personal armour. They work fast when they're watching anime. In any case, the armour looks solid enough, though I have to question the decision to make it purple and perfectly ab-chiseled. At least they didn't go for the whole batnipples thing. Ten of these are being made down in manufacturing right now, in all their ridiculous glory.



But before we could issue our troops with these giant purple targets, we picked up a small scout landed in the west of China. Obviously, we couldn't send out a full troop compliment due to the fact that two of us are still sitting in the medbay coughing up our internal organs, but I had a plan that would strike fear into the hearts of the aliens as well as make full use of our limited resources. It was perfect.



Sadly, the bastard took off before the Skyranger landed, and gave our Interceptors the slip. I swear, we need something faster enough to catch these slippery buggers, because they run for the metaphorical hills if a fly so much as lands on the plating.

As it turns out, though, some aliens are harder to shift.



Yep, two terror attacks in the same month. The aliens are really determined to scare the shit out of eight to sixteen civilians in a small suburb of a major city. As of the time of writing - or shouting, I guess - the Skyranger is on its way, and I await the mission report with baited breath. It'll be more interesting reading material than all these gossip magazines on my bedside table.

Now then, Nurse! I'm ready to take my solid dump in two weeks! Oh come on, don't act like that, I've been holding this fucker back forever!

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Sorry that this is such a short post - I've been busy with all kinds of things, plus pretty much nothing happened in-game. I'll have the terror mission up tomorrow, and a post every other day from there.

[Bramzter]

I vant to be a redshirt please :3

Just got Xcom a week ago and its awesome. Half of my crew got mauled by a sectopod

[MindMessiah]

The Skyranger just arrived back. I know this is only a few hours after my last log, and it seems rather excessive to dedicate an entire log to one mission, but the fact remains that what happened over in Wellington was, to put aside all pretence, X-Com's first failure. We - and I say this with the same sort of expression I usually reserve for sucking lemons - got our arses well and truly handed to us. I'll start from the beginning.



Soldiers Present: Assault Trooper zeratuljo1291, Marksman Varkarrus, Marksman Moronis, Squaddie Tom Gunn, Assault Trooper WordsHere, Rookie Reako, Lil Hal, Assault Trooper ikkonoishi 2.0 (via HWP)

Our small team set down in New Zealand in the dead of night, ready to face the dark and terrifying monstrosities existing in defiance of all known religions that would surely tear them apart the moment they stepped off their craft - and I'm not talking about the aliens. This is Australasia, after all. Thankfully, we had a little advantage on our side, in the form of a rather unconventional squad layout.



ikkonoishi 2.0: Aw yeah! Look at me, bitches! I'm a motherfucking tank!
Varkarrus: Yes, we all know you're driving the tank, ikko. You've been going on about it for the past eight hours. Now could you please get out there and kill that Cyberdisc before we all die?



ikkonoishi 2.0: Oh man, did you see that? I just vapourised that guy!
Lil Hal: We all saw it. The very structure of the Skyranger makes it impossible for us to have missed it. Now move up and let me out, will you?
ikkonoishi 2.0: Whatever you say, tincan.



Lil Hal: Cyberdisc and Sectoid detected. Requesting a distrac- I mean, support.



Varkarrus: Request granted.



Varkarrus: Okay, pretty good so far, people! Might have overcooked that Sectoid a bit, but I do tend to prefer them rare. Markie and Gunn, you come with me, and we'll search the buildings over to the right. The rest of you, follow the tanks up the street, and from there we'll-
ikkonoishi 2.0: Okay, hold up for a second, Little Miss Lecter. Who died and put you in charge?
Varkarrus: The chairman did. I mean, obviously he's not dead, because that would be bad, but he gave me temporary squad command whilst he's busy regrowing his internal organs.
Moronis: REALLY? MOST EXEMPLARY!
Varkarrus: I know, right? It's certainly - whatever you just said.
ikkonoishi 2.0: And exactly what is my incentive to follow your orders?
Varkarrus: Hal.
ikkonoishi 2.0: Wow, you seriously think I'm afraid of that asshole? I'm remote-controlling a rocket tank, I could take him out with just a-



ikkonoishi 2.0: ARGH!
Varkarrus: Now then, are you ready to move?
ikkonoishi 2.0: Alright, alright, I'm moving! Jeez!



ikkonoishi 2.0: Sectoid in front of me!



zeratuljo1291: Target eliminated.



Lil Hal: Another one taken down in the street.
Reako: Wow, we are on a roll right-
WordsHere: Guys? I'm not... feeling so good...



Reako: What the hell? She just collapsed!
Lil Hal: Is she dead?
Reako: No, but-
Lil Hal: Then there isn't really a cause for concern. Call Varkarrus over and get her to administer medical treatment.
Reako: ...Yeah, okay. Whatever you say, sir. Varkarrus! We need a medkit over here ASAP, ma'am!



Varkarrus: Whoa, I've got problems of my own over here!



Moronis: FEAR NOT, PURVEYOR OF SANDY BURGERS! I HAVE YOU COVERED!



Moronis: AH-HA! FEAR MY WRATH, ALIEN SCUM! YOU SHALL NOT HARM MY VARKARRUS!



Tom Gunn: I'm goin' in for the kill.



Varkarrus: Don't worry, I've got him! Thanks for the help, you two, they would've wasted me otherwise. Markie, you lead the way, I'm needed- wait, what the hell is that?
Tom Gunn: What the hell is what?
Varkarrus: Don't you see it? It's right there! Oh shit, it's - the hell with this! Nope, screw it, I'm out of here! It's not getting me!



Tom Gunn: What was that all about? Var, get back here!



Reako: Wait, what's going on over - oh god, it's in my head! Get it out, get it out!



Reako: They're everywhere... Words, we need to get out of here! Words!



Reako: Oh, you have got to be kidding me!



Moronis: WHAT IN THE NAME OF A DOG'S THIRD BOLLOCK IS GOING ON HERE?
Tom Gunn: I don't know, but I think that alien's messing with us. Stick together, and we'll make our way-



Moronis: MOTHERFUCKING DEVILWEASELS!



Reako: It's everywhere... I can't... All glory to the Hierarchy.



zeratuljo1291: Reako, I require support up by this building! Come up and - wait, what are you ARGH!



Reako: Human eliminated. Aquiring new target.



Tom Gunn: Okay, fuck this! We need to get the hell out of here!
Moronis: NO!
Tom Gunn: What do you mean, no? This mission has gone to hell, everybody's dead-
Moronis: I AM NOT LEAVING WITHOUT VARKARRUS.
Tom Gunn: Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me. At least let me patch you up first. Where are you hit?



Moronis: HEAD.
Tom Gunn: It doesn't look that bad - should be treatable. But we need to get moving quickly if we want to grab Varkarrus and live. Hal, ikko, get to the Skyranger!
ikkonoishi 2.0: What? But I've only just-
Tom Gunn: Now, damnit!



Tom Gunn: Right, now we can - what the hell are you doing?
Moronis: GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU SLIMY GREY BASTARD!



Moronis: IT'S DEAD.
Tom Gunn: Luckily for you. That thing could have killed all of us if you let it get close. Now, I'm going to grab the morphine and calm down Var, and you need to watch my back. Got it?
Moronis: ALRIGHT.



Varkarrus: The voices... please stop the voices...
Tom Gunn: It's okay now. The morphine should kick in any moment now. Me and Markie are here to get you out of here.
Moronis: YES. WE WILL ESCORT YOU OUT OF THIS TERRIBLE SITUATION POST-HASTE!
Varkarrus: Okay... okay. I... I think I'm better now.



Varkarrus: Reako! We need to get her out of here too!
Tom Gunn: As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think we can do that.



Reako: All hail the Hierarchy... all hail the Hierarchy...
Tom Gunn: They've broken her. Completely. There's only one way to snap her out of this.



Tom Gunn: I'm sorry, Reak.



Tom Gunn: It's done. Get on the Skyranger.



Tom Gunn: Finally, we're safe! I don't see any sign of Hal or ikko's HWP though. I'll see if I can reach them on the radio.




Tom Gunn: ikko? Hal? Can either of you hear me? We're leaving now, so unless you fancy getting eaten by Sectoids in some kind of Varkarrus-karma you need to get to the Skyranger!



Tom Gunn: Nothing.
Varkarrus: We... we have to leave. Now.
Tom Gunn: Very well.




Usually, sounding the retreat is an act of such craven cowardice that I was ready to blow Gunn's head off when he arrived back, injury or no injury, but when he handed me the report my ill-will promptly disappeared. I knew something was wrong the moment ikkonoishi started swearing at his HWP control station, but I hadn't realised the damage was this bad. We underestimated the aliens and their use of psionic warfare, and as a result we got well and truly trounced on every front. It's a miracle that we were even able to get three of our people back.

Moronis is spending the next two weeks in the medbay to recover from his head wound, and I've sent Vakarrus down there for therapy as well. We can't determine the level of damage that the alien psi attacks did, but the fact that they were able to completely break Reako does not bode well for her. I'll assess the full damage to our soldiers and X-Com's future operations in my next report, but for the time being I need some rest. We all do.

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Okay, so I invited my old friend Cerberus Syndrome over for a couple of drinks, and now he's passed out on the couch swearing at the TV. I think he's here to stay, but I'll try to get rid of him if I can. He's such a freeloader.

All jokes aside, that mission went terribly, terribly wrong, but looking back on it now I don't really see how it could have gone better. I forgot just how tough it is to deal with psi powers in the early game. The embarrassing truth is that there were just two aliens left when I aborted - a Cyberdisc and a Sectoid Leader - but since the Leader just kept hitting my troops over and over again, it was all I could do to get them onto the Skyranger and out of the mission. Even that took five turns due to the constant cycle of panicking and alien control.

This mission has also brought our lack of recruits to the forefront - at the moment, we have six soldiers on base, of whom two are out of action for the rest of the month. I've already put an order in for Bramzter, but seven troops really isn't enough to carry X-Com through the fire and flames. Previously I've operated on a "resurrection on request" policy, but if this casualty rate continues I'm going to have to start reusing old names. Hell only knows how we're going to make it through Terror from the Deep.

[Inglonias]

Sign me up!

I haven't ever won a single game of XCOM. Any of them. Ever. I'll keep trying every so often, though!

[Reako]

And thusly does the dangers of low bravery rear it's ugly head. I sorta saw this coming, but was hoping it'd be later rather than sooner. Here's to my next recruit: Hamilton. May he be more of a soldier and less of an easily manipulated greenhorn.

EDIT: Oh wow I just realized that Reako was a woman here. Haha whoops. CLEARLY AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

[Varkarrus]

I'M ALIVE

[sirtommygunn]

And thusly does the dangers of low bravery rear it's ugly head. I sorta saw this coming, but was hoping it'd be later rather than sooner. Here's to my next recruit: Hamilton. May he be more of a soldier and less of an easily manipulated greenhorn.

EDIT: Oh wow I just realized that Reako was a woman here. Haha whoops. CLEARLY AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

Sorry about shooting you in the face, no hard feelings right?

[WordsHere]

I want a new character in named Angel Bunny now. He should probably be heavy weapons.

[Moronis]

Entry #12
...
The hell are you staring at? What? The beer?
Fine, take it. Just keep me updated about Varkarrus please. Don't want to lose my sandpaper buddy.
End Entry #12

[MobileMammal]

Melody Burst is sick of me bellowing my thoughts into these audio logs, but you know what? Fuck him. Yeah that's right, you want some? Come over here and OW SHIT ARGH okay news flash don't try to roll over whilst there's a hole in your gut.

...have I even posted anything since page one?

[MindMessiah]

Now, obviously last mission was a shock to us all. We lost some good HWPs, and a couple of redshirts as well, but that does not mean we are allowed to sit around crying into our beers whilst the aliens blow us all out of our little submarine of a base. I gave the last log its dues, but I'll put aside the melodramatic bullshit for the time being. We can't get mad; we have to get even. Actually, scratch that - why can't we do both?



I'll start off with the condition of our storerooms. With everybody dropping their weapons left and right in the Wellington mission, we lost several of our laser weapons lying around as well as some less essential equipment and vital explosives. These can all be replaced, thankfully, but I'm putting armour production on hold until we've replaced all of our equipment. After all, a redshirt may just be for Christmas, but a laser weapon is for life.

Two new tanks are also on their way, one equipped with a rocket launcher and the other a laser cannon. However, we are sadly unable to reinstall their old AIs - Lil Hal was stored locally in his HWP, and any chance of recovering him was rendered impossible when we abandoned the Wellington mission. A moment of silence please, for X-Com's literal stone-cold badass.

We do have a substitute available, in the form of HK-47, but I'm not really seeing him as Hal's replacement. Too polite and formal. Then again, I don't know if anybody could really replace Hal.



Speaking of replacements, here's our troop roster as of two days ago. I'm not going to bother with giving the dead their dues, because I don't think their burnt corpses care too much about what level of respect I give them, but our living soldiers require some reevaluation after surviving the alien equivalent of Room 101.



To start off with, we put Varkarrus through a mandatory psych evaluation, just to make sure she doesn't have any screws loose - well, any more screws loose than usual, anyway. After a few tests and therapy exercises, we are, rather tentatively, declaring her fit for duty. The alien psi attacks seemed to be more focused on freaking her out as opposed to taking control of her completely, reserving those attacks for Reako instead, and she is demonstrating no long-term ill effects. In fact, she requested some Reaper Ribs pretty much the moment she got out of therapy.

Fun fact: Reako and Varkarrus both scored a flat 20 on their original morale evaluations, though Var's has increased since. Since it was Reako and Varkarrus who demonstrated the highest susceptibility to the alien mind attacks, we're speculating that the size of one's metaphorical balls may have some bearing on how well one is able to resist them.



Moronis, however, was the one soldier on the mission who was not affected by the psi attacks at all. Even Tom Gunn, who has an even higher Metaphorical Ball Size than he does, said he occasionally reported feeling the alien influence, but Moronis apparently felt nothing but the urge to kill more aliens. We're keeping a close eye on him whilst he recovers from his wounds. I'm a bit too attached to him to dissect him, but finding out what makes him tick would be interesting if highly disturbing for those lacking his inspired vision.






To replace our horrific losses of three whole troops, we brought in a whole new batch of rookies. Attracted to X-Com by the possibility of dying for king and country, or at least chairman and shadowy black-ops organisation, they quickly passed through their physicals and whilst most of them are completely pathetic - only one can actually shoot straight - we all know that combat skills really don't correlate to survival time round here. Besides, we've got 10 soldiers on the payroll now, which means that if we hire just one more I can legally promote myself to Lieutenant without any of that pesky "abuse of power" garbage.

Whilst I was lying in bed going through the staff roster, occasionally snorting into my tea, I was informed that March was over and the Council wanted to see me. I sent the head scientist - I can't remember his name right now, although he likes being called an "ectobiologist" for some reason -along to cover for me, with specific instructions to deny that the Wellington incident ever happened and that everything is completely fine. We'd be in the clear so long as they didn't visit the medbay.



Unfortunately, the Council is pretty much the one organisation that outranks us in terms of dubious information-gathering, and they'd already heard about what went down in Wellington. How a major conglomerate of world powers found out about a highly publicised attack on a major population centre, I have no idea, but they definitely weren't happy with us for trying to cover it up. China, Brazil and Austrailia all cut funding, docking us over a hundred thousand dollars in total. India kept up their funding, though, so shoutout to my homies over there. Promise we won't resort to the nuclear option when dealing with alien attacks over there.

I had the scientists show the Council's suits out as soon as possible, before they saw what kind of atrocities are going on in the kitchen, and prepared to settle down for the night under the influence of truckloads of horse tranquilisers. Just as I was doped up and ready to sleep, an X-Com messanger burst into the medbay panting like he'd been chased by a pissed-off honey badger. I'd like to say he waved his report up in the air before collapsing and revealing he'd been shot in the back by a dozen arrows, but instead he just shoved the report into my hands and stood next to me breathing heavily for a while.

Opening up the report, I told the messenger to bugger off, since his heavy panting was beginning to remind me of the sound a dog makes whilst licking your balls. Whatever it was, I was sure it wasn't that important.



As it turns out, it kind of was.

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Rather short post today, but that's due to the fact that there were literally two days left in the month and the council report tends to be a rather convenient place to end these. More on Friday.

[Varkarrus]

Varklog#3
Using some of the scientist's scanning devices, I've found a way to accurately measure the internal temperature of sectoid meat, seperate from the oil it's placed in.
Now to find just the right mix of secret herbs and spices...

[ikkonoishi]

Fraudlog #2

Well I no longer have the excuse of narcotics. I guess I like to brag. While I was unable to convince the insurance company that I had died again, I did manage to get one of my contacts to retrieve several high value objects from the combat site before the official cleanup crew arrived. Lil Hal will regret trifling with me after he spends a few years as my new toaster! Mmm toast!

[Moronis]

ENTRY #13
Sandpaper Buddy is alright! However, the scientists kept poking and prodding at me. This was fine up until one of them tried to experiment on me with INCREDIBLY SHARP THINGS.
According to the director I now have to find a new scientist.
WHERE THE HELL AM I GONNA FIND ONE OF THOSE?!
End Entry #13

[Bramzter]

BramzLog #1:

Well, first day on the job and they still got my name wrong.

ITS WITH A M YOU @!@!$$%#%$*&... Great this pda doesn't allow swearing.

How did i get into this? I wanted to be something else than alien chow? that is what we are shooting at right? ..ill just imagine them having the face of the damn receptionist. Can't even write my name right.

[MindMessiah]

PLEASE NOTE: DUE TO THE SHEER SIZE AWESOMENESS OF THIS LOG, IT HAS BEEN SPLIT INTO TWO PARTS. VIEW PART 1? y/n

The moment I heard there was an alien base in South America, I sat up bolt straight, only to realise I didn't have a stomach to sit up with and fell down again. Now that we knew the aliens had a base, we could bring the fight to them - obviously it wasn't their headquarters, because we call them aliens for a reason, but screwing up their shit in an away game would be the way to show them that we aren't messing around. Well, we are messing around, but even then we can still kick more alien tail than most professional punters.

Of course, we can't charge off and show the foetid lesser life forms what for just yet unless we want to end up plastered across the walls of the alien base like BBQ sauce. The aliens have already demonstrated that their leadership can send our troops into gibbering panics that motivate them to murder their friends and family like they live in the Overlook Hotel, and our current squad contains maybe one or two solid soldiers and a bunch of rookies who can barely hold their guns the right way round. We need to bide our time, prepare some new equipment, train some new troops and then we can go in all guns blazing.

Before we can do that, though, we have bases to manage.



We started off the month with $5,542,020 in the bank, partially from the Council's frugal donations but with most of it coming from our copious black market sales. Even we haven't figured out how to fire those plasma guns yet, but for some reason people are paying good money for weapons that are right now essentially glorified Star Wars props. In any case, we don't have that much money any more, because I just shelled out some fat cash for a new laboratory and ten more scientists. When you can't think of the solution to a problem, pay some people to do it for you.

Astute observers may also notice the new base icon in the top right hand corner. That's because X-Com just opened its third facility - it may be yet another unnecessarily large radar station, but with our current flow of volunteers slightly drier than the Mojave Wasteland that's all we can set up right now.



Our graphs, once again set up by our trained monkeys Albert and Yorick, have shown that the highest concentrations of alien activity are focused in South America. I have no idea why, but I don't get paid to figure out the whys - no, I get paid to sent poorly trained and equipped troops into near-suicidal and highly traumatising combat situations for minimal tactical gain. So, with this thought in mind, I had Gunn and Moronis fly over to oversee the construction of our new base.

Carbon-based life forms, welcome to SKULLRIPPER.



Yes, the name is actually spelt with all caps. That's what you get when you get Moronis to name a base. I am also aware that it looks exactly the same as Hellbonerland, but at this point I am oblidged to point out that Moronis requested an identical layout himself. Said that he didn't want to challenge Vark's "ARTISTIC VISION". I didn't have the heart to tell him Varkarrus didn't actually design Hellbonerland.

In any case, the base is under construction and due to be finished at the end of the month. Whether or not the aliens will have got wind of it and destroyed it by then, I can't tell.



Speaking of constructions, we finally completed our new laser tank and fitted it with the new AI unit. HK-47 is ready for duty and has been stationed aboard the Skyranger because let's face it, where the hell else is he going to go? Some of our engineers have said that the AI has demonstrated sociopathic tendencies, but then what good is an AI that doesn't?

We also replaced all the equipment lost in the Wellington incident, bringing our squad back up to fighting strength. It brings warmth to my old, embittered heart to see a full team of X-Com agents armed with the laser weapons we were meant to carry. I'm sure our ancestors would be proud, if they were even able to grasp the concept of a laser.



Over in the soon-to-be-expanded laboratories, our scientists have sleuthed out how to work the stun launcher that almost took out our entire squad in the first terror mission. Hopefully we should now be able to capture aliens alive without risking large amounts of rookies in close-quarters combat, which is a good thing, I guess. All we need now is some way to visually identify alien leaders, a project which our scientists have currently made zero progress towards.

April had been fairly quiet month, relative to what X-Com considers "quiet", but eventually we picked up a UFO on the 10th.



It was flying over east China, within Hellbonerland's interception range, so we scrambled the jets (well, jet) and prepared to take it down like all of the other UFOs we've encountered.



When the Interceptor closed to visual range, however, the pilot saw that this UFO was a lot bigger than the ones we've encountered before. The only larger ones we picked up were terror ships, and we've never tried to intercept those - for good reason, I might add. Nontheless, I ordered the Interceptor to continue its persuit and take that three-decked asshole out of the sky.



Despite a lengthy dogfight, which involved at least ten Stingray missiles being emptied into the UFO and some fairly hefty damage to our Interceptor, our target eventually disengaged. I assumed it was going to fly off the radar and never let us see it again, as 90% of these assholes do, but to everyone's surprise it landed of its own accord just outside Hellbonerland.



I've always held that the only circumstances in which you should not look a gift horse in the mouth are when it is packed with explosives, so I sent the Skyranger along to check the landing site as well as one of the MSPAliens Interceptors to make sure it didn't get away. Thankfully, the aliens were evidently sunblind and failed to notice the two VTOLs hanging over the landing site, and we were able to land the Skyranger without any problems.



Since I was still lying in the medbay cursing the acidity of plasma rounds and Varkarrus had already proven herself rather too... fragile for the duties of Sergeant, I gave temporary field command to Tom Gunn. He might not have much experience, but anyone able to keep control of a team throughout a mission like Wellington deserves some measure of recognition.



Soldiers Present: Squaddie Tom Gunn, Rookie Inglonias, Marksman Varkarrus, Demolitionist Melody Burst, Rookie Hamilton, Rookie Bramzter, Assault Trooper ikkonoishi 2.0, Demolitionist Angel Bunny, HK-47



HK-47: Statement: HK-47 is ready to serve, masters.
Tom Gunn: Finally, a polite HWP for once. Get outside and scout the area for us.



HK-47: Alert: Hostile spotted outside enemy craft. Vapourising.



HK-47: Target eliminated.
Tom Gunn: Shit, we've got Secs on board. That means they're going to be hitting us with that psionic crap the first chance they get. Everyone pile out, we need to get this over with as quickly as possible.



Varkarrus: I've got some Sectoid Surprise in the making over here!



Varkarrus: He's cooked.
Tom Gunn: Good work, Vark. You take Burst and the tank and sweep the area. Me and the rest of the team will search the UFO.



Hamilton: Hold on, we're in east China, right?
Tom Gunn: Yup.
Hamilton: So why the hell are we in the middle of a desert? With cacti, no less?
Tom Gunn: Beats me. I'm just glad we haven't all been turned into alien puppets yet.



HK-47: Statement: There is another door on the UFO. And another meatbag.



HK-47: Curses. This cannon has terrible optics.
Melody Burst: Let me try!




Melody Burst: Oh yeah! Headshot!
Tom Gunn: Nice work. Make sure they're not able to draw a bead on us.



Tom Gunn: Okay, you're in first, Inglonias.
Inglonias: Sure thing!
Tom Gunn: Wait, that's it? No histronic complaints or grudging acceptance of your inevitable duty?
Inglonias: No. I mean, I'm sure I'll be fine, and even if they do kill me, you guys can take care of them! Right?
Tom Gunn: ...I guess. Who am I to deny you the most glorious of duties?
Inglonias: Alright, wish me luck!



Inglonias: I'm in! And it's... um... oh.
ikkonoishi 2.0: Pardon my French, but what the baise is going on in there?



Inglonias: I know! Let's ask these two!





Tom Gunn: Well shit. Guess we'd better get in there and bail him out.



Tom Gunn: Damnit!



Hamilton: Running for cover, sir?
Tom Gunn: Shut up. At least I had the decency to leave you with a decent shot.



Tom Gunn: Sadly, it looks like you suck at shooting. ikko, get in here and cover him, would you?
ikkonoishi 2.0: Ugh, fine.



ikkonoishi 2.0: Oh come on! Screw it, I'm hiding behind... whatever the hell this is.
Bramzter: Looks like it iz up to ze rookie to save ze day.




Tom Gunn: Wow, two kills with two shots! Nice one, Branzter.
Bramzter: I am telling you, my name iz not Branzter! Iz Bramzter!
Tom Gunn: Yeah yeah, whatever you say, Bran. Now move up and cover us while we attend to your rookie friend.
Bramzter: I swear, everyone in zis squad iz an idiot.
Tom Gunn: Now then, all we need to do is-



Tom Gunn: Kill all humans. For the glory of the Ethereals.
Angel Bunny: Yeah! Wait, what?



Angel Bunny: MY SPLEEN!



Angel Bunny: Damnit... I only got... three lines... herk, ble-ag.
Bramzter: Oh man, zis iz bullsheet! He just shot ze demotitionist and - oh hai, alien.



Bramzter: I like zis rifle already.



ikkonoishi 2.0: Well, he's sleeping like a comatose baby. Anyone got a medkit?
Hamilton: Nope. Vark had the only one, and she's outside with our brainwashed squad commander.
ikkonoishi 2.0: Weren't we supposed to have two of those?
Hamilton: Yeah, but we left the spare back at base with the armour.
ikkonoishi 2.0: Eh, pretty typ - wait a minute, we have armour? And we LEFT IT BACK AT BASE?
Hamilton: The quartermaster kind of forgot that we had it in the first place.
ikkonoishi 2.0: Bloody hell, we really do suck, don't we?



ikkonoishi 2.0: What the hell even is this place, anyway?
Hamilton: It looks like some kind of operating theatre. Only instead of doing surgery, they're using giant laser cranes to cut open-



Hamilton: AmbuARGH!



Bramzter: Motherfucker! Where do zey keep coming from?



ikkonoishi 2.0: Well, you took care of him, at least. Now we just need to OH GOD IT'S GUNN SHOOT HIM!
Tom Gunn: Calm down, you two! I'm... I'm fine. Or at least, I think I am.
Bramzter: How can you say zat when you just shot our friend?
Tom Gunn: Please don't remind me about Bunny... Look, I'm harmless now. I dropped my rifle and picked up a stun rod instead. Even if they do control me again, I can't do any damage.
ikkonoishi 2.0: I don't know, these rods are designed to knock out cattle twice our size.
Tom Gunn: Oh, man up. Vark's on her way, and when she arrives, she'll get Inglonias back up. So, can I come with?
Bramzter: ...Fine. But if you point zat stick at me I kill you.
ikkonoishi 2.0: I'm still in favour of just shooting him.
Tom Gunn: Duly noted. Now get moving.



ikkonoishi 2.0: I'd love to, but this is a dead end.
Bramzter: Really?
ikkonoishi 2.0: Yep. Guess whoever designed this ship was worse than X-Com's base designers. Time to find another entrance.




Bramzter: I vill head round ze - oh hai, Vark.
Varkarrus: Hey there! I was just doing a bit of field catering, but I came over to help - um, is Gunn going to be alright?
Tom Gunn: Kill the humans. Burn their planet. Leave none alive.
Bramzter: He vill be fine. Now, you are here for Inglonias, yes?



Varkarrus: I'll get to work. In the meantime, Burst and the tank found another door on the outside. Perhaps you should go check it out?
ikkonoishi 2.0: Meh, nothing better to do.



Bramzter: Oh hai, Melody Burst.
Melody Burst: Finally! I found this a while ago - it looks like a lift of some kind, but I'm waiting for support before I head up. You know, so I don't get killed and all.
Tom Gunn: Sounds good.



Melody Burst: Okay, we're all here! Any questions?
ikkonoishi 2.0: Yeah, what happens if the aliens drop a grenade down the shaft?
Melody Burst: ...I hate you. So, on three. One, two... THREE! Oh wait, it's empty. You guys can come up too!



ikkonoishi 2.0: You coming, Bran?
Bramzter: I did naht hit her! It's not true! It's bullsheet, I did naht hit her! I DID NAHT!
ikkonoishi 2.0: Okay, you're having a weird alien panic seizure. See you whenever.

>END LOG PART 1. PLEASE INSERT 50p TO CONTINUE.

[MindMessiah]

BEGIN LOG PART 2? y/n



ikkonoishi 2.0: You two ready?
Melody Burst: Of course.
Tom Gunn: Your resistance serves only to infuriate us.
ikkonoishi 2.0: I'll take that as a "maybe". Let's go.



ikkonoishi 2.0: Sectoid! Have a suntan, bitch.



ikkonoishi 2.0: There we go, one Brazilian, cooked to perfection and shoved right up your ass.



Melody Burst: Bran, are you still with us?
Bramzter: For ze last time, my name iz-
Melody Burst: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Look, me and ikko are going to storm the bridge, and we need you to check what's in the lower rooms we haven't searched yet. Up for it?
Bramzter: Fine.



Melody Burst: Alright, this is it - the last level. You lead the way, ikko.
ikkonoishi 2.0: Dude, you're the one with the rocket launcher.
Melody Burst: And you're the one with the stun rod. If there are any aliens up on the bridge, they'll be the leaders. We need leaders alive, remember?
ikkonoishi 2.0: Ugh, okay. But if I die, I swear your ass is haunted. Here goes-



ikkonoishi 2.0: Death to all that oppose us.
Melody Burst: Oh fuck this.



Melody Burst: I'm out of here until you get your head back in order.

Whilst Melody Burst and ikkonoishi were arguing, Bramzter was busy clearing out the rooms they missed. Whilst he was doing this, however, a large explosive flew out of nowhere and blew up the area behind him, nearly killing him and dealing him signifigant wounds. For some reason, he was rather distressed by this.



Bramzter: That explosive iz TEARING ME APART, guys!



Melody Burst: Did you hear something?
ikkonoishi 2.0: Nope. Now come on, we're wasting time.



ikkonoishi 2.0: There you are, you mind-fucking bastard!




ikkonoishi 2.0: Fear my prod.
Melody Burst: Are you sure that's the leader?



ikkonoishi 2.0: Positive. Now we can finish the mission without that asshole fucking with our brains every chance it gets.
Melody Burst: Do you think that was it?



It was. The Sectoid was the last alien in the entire UFO, and no matter how much of a git he is we have to credit him with the first capture of a live alien leader. Now that we have one of the elusive little grey gobshites in our captivity, we can figure out just where their real base of operations is, and figure out the source of this "psionic" bullshit that's been plaguing our troops for weeks now.

Speaking of psionics, this brings me onto some rather worse news. Turns out, fucking with an unknown force that takes control of people's brains may not have been the best idea. When ikko disabled the Sec leader, Varkarrus and Tom Gunn were still under its control. This resulted in a similar effect to what happens when you pull the plug out of a computer in the movies - the two of them just switched off completely. They've been completely comatose for almost 12 hours now, and the medics aren't sure if there's anything they can do. We've listed them as MIA for the time being, mostly because they're sure as hell not doing any fighting in their state.

We lost two new recruits and perhaps two good veterans capturing this leader. I bloody well hope it's worth it.

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It turns out I may have made a bit of a fib on Wednesday, though I didn't realise it at the time. This post was supposed to be ready by Friday, but as you can see it turned into some giant mega-uber-abomination thing and I had to delay it until today. On the plus side, it's over 50% larger than any post that's come before it, so... yay, I guess?

Anyway, the main thing I wanted to talk about was the eventual fates of Tom Gunn and Varkarrus. You see, what I forgot was that in the unmodified version of X-Com (the version I'm using, mostly because I can't figure out how to mod it and my computer freaks out whenever I try) there exists a bug - one of many bugs, obviously, but this one is certainly one of the more major ones. If the mission ends whilst some of your troops are under alien control, the game continues to recognise them as aliens and refuses to add them back onto your team, hence why they showed up as MIA on the end mission screen. Long story short: they're pretty much wiped.

Now I don't know about you, but it seems a bit undignified to me to let two of our best soldiers disappear from existance entirely due to a bug. However, thanks to the fact that I'm still using sucky old basic X-Com, there's no way to add them back in. So it rests to you, my fellow forumites, to determine their final fates. Shall I allow them to return as rookies, making up some excuse for their weakened abilities? Shall I just let them die peacefully, and allow for resurrection as new soldiers on request? Shall I try to alter my game files, hoping against hope that there may be a way to bring them back? Is there another course of action I have not yet considered? Or am I just making too big a deal out of all of this?

Oh, and I finally corrected the spelling of Bramzter's name. Though it being mispronounced as "Branzter" is going to become a running gag from here on out.

END LOG.

[Moronis]

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Let them return as rookies. That or go ahead and mod it then use some kind of save edit tool to put them back in normally.

Science Log #1
Have begun sedation on one Markie Moronis Marksman. He refuses to sit down. Keeps screaming something about sand, sandpaper, and buddies. We're currently down three orderlies and another scientist. Think it was Mika this time. Iunno, we're all in bio-hoods and shit because apparently his spit is roughly twenty percent sandpaper and he's got impeccably good aim with it. No clue how that happened. We'll keep him here and continue monitoring him.

[Varkarrus]

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my vote is for save edit tool. also ah fuck I died and it was all your fault and not the RNG.

[Reako]

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If they gotta restart as rookies, you can at least wing it in that they lost some important memories and experience from what happened. I'd go for save editting if possible though.

Crap. It seems no one I send out manages to live. I guess it's time for recruit #3: Reuben Rhodes. The last name gives him additional importance, and thus additional protection! Okay, maybe not, but one can dream.

[sirtommygunn]

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I got demoted for being a teamkilling jerk

...

[Bramzter]

I like diz

[ikkonoishi]

Just use the save edit tool. It is fairly simple. So long as you haven't recruited anyone else all their stats should still be there only marked deceased. If you want me too I'll do it so you aren't spoiled as to their [redacted] stats.