As it turns out, just because my internal organs have suffered enough trauma to destroy the innocence of five children doesn't mean I can't run X-Com. I've been running MSPAliens from my hospital bed, signing reports, giving orders and occasionally flipping the bird at people if I'm feeling up to it. Melody Burst is sick of me bellowing my thoughts into these audio logs, but you know what? Fuck him. Yeah that's right, you want some? Come over here and OW SHIT ARGH okay news flash don't try to roll over whilst there's a hole in your gut.
I never realised how much being out of action sucks. No killing Sectoids, no shooting on the target range - just me and the off-colour patch of wall opposite my bed. God, I hate that patch of wall. It keeps looking at me funny. Moronis and Varkarrus brought me a gift basket though, which was filled with burger buns and sandpaper for whatever reason. I think I'm meant to eat them, but with the current state of my digestive system that would probably kill me.
Anyway, I'll stop ranting about pointless crap now and start ranting about X-Com. First things first, our recent spat of injuries has left us with only seven able troopers reporting for duty, and I use the wold "able" very loosely. We need new recruits, and fast. I ain't too proud to beg, and so I'll probably be putting up a banner ad on the X-Com frontpage and leaving poorly spelt and formatted comments on other websites. That's the right way to recruit soldiers for a near-suicidal mission against unfathomable odds.
The lab boys have been continuing their incredible deductive investigations, successfully concluding that the alien ships are made out of a strong metal. They go onto postulate how, with tools and machinery, we could go on to use this metal for our own devices. Remind me why I pay these guys $60,000 a month? I could replace them with two monkeys and a typewriter and still get the same level of analytical reasoning.
That being said, they did seem to think that they could adapt the alien metals into some sort of armour, which I would've considered to be a good idea if it didn't further cement my theory that the science team have just given up and are now just watching anime all day. I told the scientist who delivered the report to me that it would be cheaper just to hire more redshirts than manufacture suits of armour for everyone, a sentiment which he was unable to respond to.
I will give them some credit, though - their torture of aliens is continuing at a rate that would make the UN Secretary-General pick up an assault rifle and kill us himself. Their latest success was the Sectoid navigator, from which they were able to extract alien mission briefings, technological schematics and about ten tons of alien fear-faeces before it expired.
According to our little grey friend, the aliens are attempting to infiltrate Earth's governments using disguised infiltration units. What the diguises are for, though, I don't know - politics is pretty much the one field where slimy disgusting non-humans can go unnoticed. It's probably a good idea to keep an eye out for this kind of infiltration, though how we're going to notice it is beyond me. As if we needed another reason to distrust the Council.
The alien also gave us the low-down about hyperwaves, which is what the aliens use instead of radar. With this information, we can build a decoder and trace every UFO that ever passes through our airspace, as well as downloading their mission data and ship schematics to further enhance the efficency of our comm-stalking. Uploading a virus to their mothership and bringing their entire civilisation to a halt with just a few simple hacks is still beyond us, however.
Oh, and they figured out that Elerium stuff. It doesn't seem that important. Moving on.
About a week after they put the idea forward, the scientists got back to me with a working prototype of the personal armour. They work fast when they're watching anime. In any case, the armour looks solid enough, though I have to question the decision to make it purple and perfectly ab-chiseled. At least they didn't go for the whole batnipples thing. Ten of these are being made down in manufacturing right now, in all their ridiculous glory.
But before we could issue our troops with these giant purple targets, we picked up a small scout landed in the west of China. Obviously, we couldn't send out a full troop compliment due to the fact that two of us are still sitting in the medbay coughing up our internal organs, but I had a plan that would strike fear into the hearts of the aliens as well as make full use of our limited resources. It was perfect.
Sadly, the bastard took off before the Skyranger landed, and gave our Interceptors the slip. I swear, we need something faster enough to catch these slippery buggers, because they run for the metaphorical hills if a fly so much as lands on the plating.
As it turns out, though, some aliens are harder to shift.
Yep, two terror attacks in the same month. The aliens are really determined to scare the shit out of eight to sixteen civilians in a small suburb of a major city. As of the time of writing - or shouting, I guess - the Skyranger is on its way, and I await the mission report with baited breath. It'll be more interesting reading material than all these gossip magazines on my bedside table.
Now then, Nurse! I'm ready to take my solid dump in two weeks! Oh come on, don't act like that, I've been holding this fucker back forever!